Do you ever feel like you’re walking on your tiptoes through life? When stress creates an invisible tension in my body, Morning Pages is the self care that allows my heels to settle back to the ground.
I’m reminded of when I was a little girl caught up in my imagination. I’d pretend the grass was hot lava and the cracks in the sidewalk were great chasms that you could fall into. I vividly remember a stretch of sidewalk in front of me with all the cracks and gaps in the pavement. My heels would lift shrinking my foot print and my arms would stretch out to the sides to give me balance. It’s a feeling of anticipation, caution and worry that keeps you suspended in that state.
Cracks In The Pavement
Sometimes, I catch myself holding that same anticipatory frame in my body. I could be sitting at my desk, driving in my car or walking through the grocery store, but internally I’m stiff and lifted up on my toes. I don’t know if it’s my inner perfectionist or maybe it’s just what happens when life gives us the proverbial “cracks” that we have to tip toe over. “Work” a line grows before me in the cement. “Friendships” little lines, like runs in a pantyhose, stream in varying directions. “Family” I feel my balance shift forward and my arms circle and flail to keep my balance. “Motherhood” the ground shakes and dust puffs up in the distance and I know the cracks have formed further down my path. “Health” a chasm I doubt I can leap over bursts open in my path. All the stresses and worries are what lift my heels up off the ground as my shoulders creep up by my ears.
Sometimes I don’t even realize I’m internally suspended in that state. If you were to ask me I would say, “life is really good”. I’m going about my day and I’m occupied by the little details that keep the ship running. On the average day, I would have a longer list of things I’m grateful for then things that I’m worried about. But, I guess it’s like the dust that accumulates on the bookcases and bedside tables in your home. At first the surface is clean, you don’t see the dust falling, but once a week on cleaning day it’s inevitably there.
Release Valve for Stress
My body will usually give me a sign when I’ve been holding that frame like a spooked cat for too long. I’ll feel tired, or my stomach will scream in protest. But my problem solver brain wants a solution. I want to alleviate the stress so that it doesn’t have a chance to pile up. In those moments, I need a release valve to allow the pressure to subside.
I use several tactics to keep the pressure low. You could say that I have multiple tools in my “self care toolbox”. It’s like poking holes in a water balloon. The more I make the easier it all leaks out. Yet, there is one release valve in particular that allows my heels to rest firmly back on the ground. It’s a tool that allows some of the cracks to seal closed and others to shrink enough for me to step over. My release valve is stream of consciousness writing. I started this after listening to a lecture by Julia Cameron about Morning Pages.
Morning Pages
I wake up in the morning, I grab my journal and just write. I try not to judge it, change it or filter what I’m thinking. But each time a thought or worry pops in my head I write it down. It’s oddly cathartic and relaxing to just allow your hand to transcribe the thoughts in your head. I vaguely feel like a courtroom reporter trying to keep up with my own thoughts.
At first it’s just a brain dump of worries, reminders, and random thoughts. Occasionally there is an “I need to buy toilet paper” or “is that a cobweb over there, eeuw I need to clean that”. I write down questions to decisions I feel I should make. I leave them open ended. The point is to just right what I think. But then my inner therapist wakes up and starts to work her magic. My thoughts become my answers. I find myself writing how I want to handle something or who I want to call for advice. I’ve created my own sounding board.
What Happens in Vegas
When I’m finished I feel settled, calmer. I know I’m done because my brain has quieted. There is nothing else to write. I feel lighter. I’ve come to love this little morning ritual. It’s my time with me. I have my warm mug of lemon-ginger water, my favorite pen, and my journal.
The journal is for my eyes only. It’s kind of like Vegas, only without the hangover or account deficit. What’s written in the journal, stays in the journal. When I’ve filled all its pages, I can throw it away. Sometimes I keep them in case I want advice from myself. Other times I rip up the pages as a symbol of releasing all the worries, doubts and fears. I don’t need anyone to read them. They are just for me.
While I have settled on a rhythm with writing in the morning, there are times I don’t get my time to write. But, I find it just as effective at night. It’s a way to release the day onto the page so that you can settle before bed. Either way, you give your mind a release valve. You give your inner therapist an opportunity to work his/her/their magic. You will be amazed with how often the answer is in your own head.
I’m Not a Writer
I’m not a writer, you might say. Maybe you aren’t but you are a thinker and that’s what it’s really about. It’s not about the writing. We all have thoughts, worries, or concerns. This is not about grammar, plot lines or even making any sense. It’s a way to take what’s floating in your mind and releasing it onto the page. You don’t even have to read it. It’s just a method to clear out your thinking.
So when you catch yourself teetering on the balls of your feet, holding your breath and trying to manage all the little cracks that show up in the sidewalk of life, give Morning Pages a try. It will ease the pressure and release the tension. It can give you space to breathe and really process. But, most importantly trust what you write, trust your gut! You already have the answers.
Notes To Self
I have journaled off and on since I was young. It allowed me to relive the most memorable and joyful experiences I’ve had. And, alternatively it often felt that it drained all the worries and fears out of my body as I wrote the words on the page. Sometimes journaling turned into a therapy session. I’d write what I was processing and then somewhere in the flow of words I’d find myself in the therapist’s chair. It was like I was outside myself enough to see everything from a different perspective. By the end of my journal entry, I was giving myself advice or adapting my mindset. Notes To Self offers a glimpse of my personal processes. I often find that when I’m listening to someone else’s struggles that it offers little nuggets or little “a ha” moments for my own internal work. I hope Notes to Self offers that for you.