I am a raising three boys. Enough said. Mic drop. Whenever I tell people I have 3 sons people’s eyes widen and their tone lowers by 3 octaves as they say “Oh! Bless You!” At least that’s a very common response I got in Texas. I’d usually giggle and nod my head in agreement or offer some cliche comment like “Oh, I am blessed. They’re good boys”. The truth is I’m filled with conflicting emotions with their response. I either feel major annoyance because they don’t see how awesome it is to be a mom of boys. Or, I feel they have really seen me and know how I’m doing the best despite the fact that they didn’t come with any instruction manuals. Really! Did any of you other ladies get yours when you left the hospital?
As you fellow Boy Moms know, having boys lends itself to a plethora of bodily functions, wrestling, verbal jabs, multitasking conversations and sound effects. My house is RARELY quiet with all 3 boys at home. If a house were malleable and able to bend and move to depict what’s going on inside, mine would quite possibly detach itself from the foundation. I’ve grown accustomed to their need to move and be active. I know to expect all topics of conversation to pop up when I’m in the middle of cooking, driving, at my computer, or on a walk with them. It’s as if movement and distraction release the “question” valve in their brains. I have to say I am constantly learning more about men and boys through my sons and how they communicate.
Reference Chart
Have you ever seen those pain reference charts that they show little kids in a doctor’s office or hospital to determine how much pain they are in? The chart shows emojis that have varying degrees of discomfort crudely drawn on their faces with a corresponding number to signify level of pain. I sometimes feel I need a slightly modified chart for my boys. Instead of pain, it references all the different emotions: sadness, anger, fear, anxiety, need a hug. I say this because sometimes their faces and words don’t match the corresponding emotion; at least not according to my own chart of emotions.
A look of frustration and moodiness can mean “I feel scared and insecure”. A face reddened with anger betrayed only by a single tear can mean “you hurt my feelings”. I’ve misread their beautiful faces thinking they needed an explanation instead of a cuddle or a consequence instead of an “I hear you and I see what your feeling”. This may have little to do with them being boys, but their gender is often labeled by physical play and verbal jabs. These labels don’t always match the tenderness and vulnerability they hide underneath. I catalogue their many emotions to create a personalized chart for each of them in my brain. The older they get the more detailed I have to make my chart.
Love Languages
Just the other day, we had the boys take the Gary Chapman 5 Love Languages quizzes for kids and teens. It was fun to watch them take the quiz and fascinating to see their love languages. Each of their results were different. They all scored high on Quality Time. Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch and Acts of Service varied greatly between each one. It reminds me that while I can make broad stroke generalizations about them because they’re all boys, that their gender does not define them. Their love languages, one of the most fundamental expressions of who they are, is unique to each one. Just because I have all boys, doesn’t mean they need my love in the same ways. What fascinates me is how those needs evolve as they get older.
Boy/Teen/Man
I find my oldest son in a strange state of Boy/Teen/Man. I never quite know which version of him is going to come walking down the stairs. The Boy still likes to play, says “I love you, Mama” and gets excited about games, desserts and gifts. He pesters and giggles to throw any of us off balance.
The Man seems wise and calm. When I walk next to him, his shadow now extends beyond mine. I look up to him and find his height masks the Boy and Teen within. He looks at me with compassion and just a hint of a smile that says “I see you Mama. I know who you are and all that you do”. He is patient with his brothers and teaches them like a seasoned mentor. He takes my breath away when I get a glimpse of him.
The Teen keeps me on my toes. He is unpredictable, unsure, emotional and goofy. He can be moody and he’s ALWAYS hungry. But he’s also the one that links the boy and the man. He’s the conduit. The transition. He carries each of them, giving them moments to show up when I least expect it. I sort of love this Boy/Teen/Man phase. As much as it can make my head spin, I love being able to see the boy he was, the man he might grow up to be and the amazing teen that works to balance both. But, raising boys does not come without its challenges.
Where’s my She Shed?
I often joke that I live in a locker room. The noise, the smells, the mess, the toilet jokes…oh and you can only guess what that morphs into when the teen years hit. Only in a house full of boys do you realize how many innuendos you can take from anything you say. Then there are the open chip bags, the empty containers placed back in the pantry or fridge, the dirty hands wiped on the CLEAN kitchen towels. They are meant to DRY your hands AFTER you clean them. Am I right ladies?
There are times when I lament that I need a girls trip. I joke that I need my own “she shed” to escape the overwhelming levels of testosterone in my house. But, the truth is I wouldn’t trade my cave full of men for anything. While I like to primp and get all dressed up, I love that they like me best scaled down to my most natural state. They don’t understand why I would put all that “stuff” on my face. I sort of feel like the only girl allowed in the boys club. I am a boy mom through and through. It feels comfortable, it feels like home. My boys taught me to be a mother and they continue to educate me each day.
The Daunting Job that I Wouldn’t Trade
At times the job of raising boys is daunting. I think about raising them to be strong and capable of handling the expectations of masculinity in their current society. And yet, I want them to be gracious and sensitive. I see the world working to change and adapt. I see women stepping into their power and men making space for them. However, the energy of the traditional role of a man in society from years past still lingers. Change is not overnight. It’s a gradual and slow process. So I worry at times about guiding them when I’m the only female voice in the home. It forces me to own my voice and stand in my power. I feel obliged to show them who a woman can be and the synergy that men and women can create when working together.
Raising boys has been my greatest pleasure, job, and role of my life. They are my inspiration for being the perpetual student so that I can evolve, learn and grow. I want to mirror for them how they may treat others, but most importantly how they may treat themselves. I hope they really feel how much I love them. As a mom, you don’t just want them to know it, but really feel it. They see that I make mistakes. I want them to see me learn from them. I hope they apply that mindset to themselves.
If you are a boy Mom or a Mom of a boy, know that I get you. I get how they can seem like another species. And yet, you know them better than they know themselves. I know what it is like to watch with admiration as your husband connects with them in a way that seems coded in another language. But, there is nothing that compares with a sons love for his mother. The way they check in with you, need your affection, and look to you for guidance. I see glimpses of how they will try to protect me as they grow older. I can only look forward to my future role of a Mom of Men. So, I am sending a fist bump to my fellow Moms of boys. We are a special breed and that is a title we can wear with absolute pride.
You are THE BEST mama! You are doing a wonderful job raising those sweet boys! We sure miss you guys!
Thank you! Miss you guys too! Hugs from one Mom of Boys to another!