Seasick

Anxiety is like the Ocean

Is anxiety making you feel seasick?  Anxiety is an illusive beast. Like the ocean, it can be unpredictable and deceptively powerful. I’ve had my own experiences with anxiety. Although, I didn’t know that’s what it was until my late thirties. I didn’t experience the telltale “anxiety attack”. My symptoms were subtle, almost sneaky. As a result, I just thought I was stressed, tired, or hormonal. Anxiety felt like another person’s struggle. I associated it with images of a person blowing into a paper bag or being paralyzed with fear.

Muscling Through

I didn’t know the many faces of anxiety.  So, I didn’t make the connection when my anxiety was playing havoc on my daily life.  It wasn’t until I was standing in the school pick up line, with my shirt drenched in sweat and my pulse quickening, that I realized something was off. Because I had been muscling through my anxiety; it exposed itself in the most mundane situations. Eventually, most social interactions triggered my internal alarm. The mental chatter with the judgmental tone would drowned out joy and presence. My response was to strong arm anxiety and push past it. Only instead of pushing past, I just accumulated more. This desire to push through and ignore the feelings, reminds me of a fishing trip we had this summer with our boys.

Fishing Trips

I had been fishing a handful of times with my dad growing up in Texas. My favorite was bay fishing when we caught a boat load of speckled trout. There wasn’t a moment that we weren’t busy reeling them in or casting our lines back out. My husband wanted to offer the boys a similar experience. We planned a bay fishing trip off Cape Cod this summer. Well, let’s just say it didn’t end up being in the bay. Thirty minutes into our trip, with the coastline getting smaller and smaller, I knew we were in for an “adventure”. Note to self, Mama books the fishing trip next time.

This Isn’t the Bay

Thirty minutes into our ride out, my internal dialogue begins. Please let the kids be fine. I can do this. I’m tough. I look over to my husband and he doesn’t seem the slightest bit concerned. He confidently eats a banana, clearly not thinking about the possibility of it returning. I pray his confidence is a predictor of how it’s going to go. Another half hour passes, and the boat finally slows to a stop. There is nothing but ocean as far as we can see. The sky is thick with fat, round clouds and the air feels wet. The boat starts to rise and fall with such enthusiasm and I immediately feel my stomach complain. Ok, time to plaster the “life is good” face on for the kids.

Seasick

One of the fishing guides walks by and dumps a hefty load of bait in our bucket. The smell reaches my nose and I lift my head trying to breath in the fresh salty air to replace the stench. I am going to muscle through this. I am not going to get seasick. Next thing I know, my youngest turns sheet white and starts to moan. I walk him up to the side of the boat and comfort him as his stomach empties itself. I look over at my husband and I see the color start to drain from his face. My oldest stands up abruptly and walks doubled over into the covered portion of the boat and curls up into a ball on the bench. They’re all dropping like flies. This is going to be a rough trip, I think to myself.

Gift to the Sea Gods

That’s when I feel my own stomach screech “my turn”. I grip the railings of the boat and offer my own gift to the sea gods. Afterwards, I look over at my middle man to see how he is feeling. He looks at me with concern but clearly without the slightest bit of nausea. Because I can’t bare to have this trip marred by seasickness, I feel pulled to task. We are here to fish, and fishing is what we will do, dammit. That’s when my husband takes his walk to the railing. 2 kids and 1 husband down. No problem. Let’s bait that hook. I awkwardly stand with a wide stance to keep from falling. The boat dances with so much movement that I can’t even tell if we are going up and down or side to side. Maybe if I feel the rhythm of the boat, I won’t feel as queasy. Nope, time to grab the railing again.

The Battle of the Wills

After my second hangout at the railing, I see that my younger sons are ready to fish. I grab the fishing poles and bait the hooks. The lines fall into the water and I feel the next wave of nausea coming. I have a front row seat to the battle of the wills. Who will dominate, my body or my mind? I’m propped up on my forearms on the railing, hoping for a tug on the line. The fish seem to taunt from below, steeling our bait after each cast. I sit back down to re-bait a hook for my 12 year old. Water splashes up on the benches of the boat, soaking my shorts as I sit. My vision starts to blur and shimmer. In other words, a migraine is short to follow. I manage to hook my finger and not the bait. No worries, I will push on. We are GOING to catch some fish. I stagger over to there railing, cast the line, and hand the rod to my son. Deep breaths, I keep thinking.

“I’ve got one!”

“I’ve got one!” I hear him exclaim. He reels in the fish enthusiastically with a smile spreading from ear to ear. In that moment, everything clears away and I feel immense joy. It is all worth this one moment. He poses with his fish and bravely states he wants to throw it back. My animal lover always torn between the fun of fishing and the discomfort of hurting a living thing. The next 2 hours are filled with nausea, managing fishing lines, and checking in on my husband and teenager. They have now retreated into semi-sleep-like states, which beats the dreaded railing hang. Finally, after an unsuccessful tug-of-war with my body, I follow my intuition. It calmly guides me to let go of resistance, and look at the horizon. 

Staying Steady in the Chaos

That’s exactly how anxiety feels to me. When I try to fight it or ignore it, I only make it worse. However, when I recognize it’s there and accept it, it’s more manageable. The acknowledgment of anxiety led me to incorporate elements of self care into my daily routine. Using these different tools help the anxiety to dissolve away. Similarly to the moment my son caught his fish, I was so consumed with his joy, that I didn’t even feel the nausea. I let the boat move, I felt the water spray on my face and I opened my eyes to my son’s beautiful smile. Ironically, the more I took note of everything I was seeing and feeling, the less I felt the discomfort. Anxiety is like the ocean, tossing and turning to throw you off balance. But, there is a way to stay steady in the chaos.

To Surrender Means to Acknowledge

Exercise, eating whole foods, meditation, and working with a life coach are just some of the tools I have used to manage anxiety. I no longer fight the waves, I acknowledge them and dive deeper. I thought I needed to muscle through things. But in truth, I needed to surrender. Surrendering to the things that challenge you in life does not mean you are waving the white flag and giving up. On the contrary, it means you are acknowledging it in order to find a solution. You are standing in your power and nurturing yourself to be a stronger you. Ironic isn’t it? You gain more strength by acknowledging your weaknesses. If this resonates for you, don’t be afraid to ask for help. There is freedom when you acknowledge what your body is trying to tell you. You have the strength. Sometimes we just need a guiding hand to manage the waves. http://www.laughloudmama.com/programs

Notes to Self

I have journaled off and on since I was young.  It allowed me to relive the most memorable and joyful experiences I’ve had. And, alternatively it often felt that it drained all the worries and fears out of my body as I wrote the words on the page.  Sometimes journaling turned into a therapy session. I’d write what I was processing and then somewhere in the flow of words I’d find myself in the therapist’s chair. It was like I was outside myself enough to see everything from a different perspective. By the end of my journal entry, I was giving myself advice or adapting my mindset. Notes To Self offers a glimpse of my personal processes. I often find that when I’m listening to someone else’s struggles that it offers little nuggets or little “a ha” moments for my own internal work. I hope Notes to Self offers that for you. http://www.laughloudmama.com/blog