Riding in Cars with Boys should be the title of the book about my conversations with my boys. Attention all moms of boys, once they can talk, this will be the place where you will literally and figuratively have to buckle up your seat belts. You will want to brush up on your knowledge in the areas of; anatomy and physiology, the entire encyclopedia, all Pokemon characters, Einstein’s Theory of Relativity and whatever game is their current obsession. And while you’re at it, refresh your knowledge of politics and world history. Oh, and if you can find a class on stunt driving, that might help as well. It might improve your reaction time when unforeseen obstacles, in this case questions, come flying at you.
I don’t know what it is about the car. It’s either the lack of eye contact, the movement of the car, or just the fact that mom is buckled in a seated position and unable to multitask. Whatever it is, it inspires my boys to ask THE questions or sometimes ponder their existence. I have had variations of the following over the years:
“Mama, what does this mean?” I look up in my rearview mirror and see a tiny middle finger waving too and fro.
“So we are learning about STDs in school and apparently you can even get them without actually having sex. You know like intercourse”. I almost swerve into oncoming traffic. But, once I recuperate from the 8 am topic, that I didn’t see coming, I settle into the conversation. I start with the most important question I have in my arsenal. “So, what do you think that means?” My personal opinion, find out where they are and what they understand when starting these discussions. It always gives you a gauge for where to go from there. I’m pretty sure I stole that from Dr. Phil but I have now added it to my own toolbox.
“Mama what does cognitive development mean?” I start to answer with a hint of pride that my nine year old is even asking this question, but then I begin to question my own cognitive abilities to answer said question.
“Mama, if you could have any super power what would it be?” “The ability to teleport.” This question occurs on almost a daily basis. I just had to include it.
“Mama are you scared about the Coronavirus?” This question, along with all the questions that reflect what is going on in our world around us either politically or socially, are often difficult to answer. Sometimes I don’t feel like I even have an answer. Other times I feel myself walking the tight rope of protecting my kid from the fear and violence in our world, to arming them with the tools necessary to go out into it prepared. Sometimes I don’t think it’s all that bad to say “I don’t know” and then follow it up with their greatest super power. Knowledge. I just try to give them the grounded feeling that they ultimately have choices in how they choose to walk through life.
“Mama, I feel really sorry for the girls in track.” “Why is that?” “Because if they have their period it must really suck.” He looks at me with authentic concern. I don’t really know where to go with this. Again, I catch myself gripping the steering wheel a little tighter. You’d think after 14 years they wouldn’t catch me off guard. Finally, I decide to go with honesty, I say. “Well, sometimes it does suck. But, I think it’s pretty great that you are compassionate enough to think about that.”
“Mama did you see that man?” Points to a homeless man seated on the side of the road next to a red light. “What happened to him?” Where do I start. There are so many tangents and off shoots that this discussion can go in. Ultimately, I let him be my guide. I can see fear and compassion battling the front seat in his mind. When I lean towards compassion he follows me and I find I don’t have to know what comes next in the conversation. It just happens naturally.
While it’s an absolute miracle that I have driven us safely from point A to point B after each discussion, it is still one of my favorite times with my boys. Sometimes I wish I could take another loop around the block with them. Especially when we are alone in the car together, that is when they really open up. We sit in our little bubble discussing their fears, interests and things that confuse them. I may not have all the answers for them and sometimes it takes me a solid minute to get out more than a lingering “uhhhhhh”. But, riding in cars with my boys is definitely one of my favorite places to be.