Our kids reflect back How we See Ourselves
Our kids are like a mirror. They reflect back how we speak, our mannerisms, our mood and even how we see ourselves. Sometimes my boys will make little comments that make me question who they see when they look at me. It can be an underestimation of what I’m capable of or assumptions of what I do in a day. By their accounts, I have endless time on my hands and questionable capabilities.
I want them to see me. I want my boys to see how hard I work and what I’m capable of doing. Yet, despite my efforts, they still see me through their own filters and in my opinion, those filters are a tad foggy. My reflection isn’t always set in the best lighting. I often feel underestimated or taken for granted. Are you familiar with the warbled voice of the Teacher in the Peanuts cartoon? Yup, I’m pretty sure that’s what they hear. It saddens me that they don’t always see or hear me the way I want them to.
Our worst critic
Are our kids supposed to be our worst critic? I thought we were our own worst critic. But, maybe THAT is the problem. I’m not happy with how they see me because on some level that’s how I see myself. We all know what it feels like to be misunderstood. Yet there are times when someone has a misperception of you and yet it doesn’t even phase you. It doesn’t bother you because you feel a calm inner knowing of who you are and their opinion doesn’t change that.
Seeing Myself
Looking at my boys is like looking in the mirror. So if I want the reflection to be one of strength, confidence, and power; I have to believe that about myself to exude it. It’s not that they need to see me. It’s that I need to see MYSELF. Let’s be honest, teenage boys are bombarded by so much stimuli. Their perspectives are muddled by hormones, their peers and intensified emotions. How could they see me when they can’t even see themselves yet. Knowing this releases that urgency to convince them of who I am. By shifting my own perspective I shift theirs. The real shift needs to happen within me.
The Shift
I shift by having the internal acknowledgment of my inner strength. It’s feeling grounded in my own essence. When I’m looking for acknowledgement or validation from my kids I am teaching them to do the same. My search for external validation is telling them to look outside themselves. I’m modeling the thoughts “Hey look at me, see what I can do? Am I good? Am I enough?” So, I am going to take their gift of reflection and rewrite my internal dialogue. Every time they reflect something that feels like an underestimation is an opportunity to check in and flip my perspective.
DIY Project
How did I make this realization about myself? I recently was talking about making some DIY updates to a half bath in our home. Feeling excited to fire up my creativity and take on the new task. I shared this enthusiastically with one of my boys and he immediately contorted his face like he’d smelled a skunk. He said, “I don’t think you should do that. It won’t look good.” I was feeling excited and then POP! He burst my bubble. I felt my confidence deflate with his response. Now, granted, I do not have a lot of DIY experience. Actually, I have ZERO DIY experience, so he may actually have a point. But, I’m sharing this because it was a moment where it bummed me out that my son thought I couldn’t do something. He felt I wasn’t up to the task. But, what’s interesting is what I realized when I checked in with myself.
Sure enough I was thinking the same. “What if I ruin the bathroom? What if it ends up being a disaster and what was supposed to be a little project turns into an expensive undertaking? You don’t know what you are doing. You can’t do it like your kick-ass friends or the DIY gals on YouTube. You’re nervous about hanging a painting. And you want to take on wallpaper? Ha!”
Looking for a Cheerleader
My son was reflecting every thought and fear that was going through my own mind. I wasn’t even aware of how loud my thoughts were. I was masking any concerns with my enthusiasm. In fact, I was looking for validation from my boys. Confirmation that this was a good idea and I could do it. I was looking for a cheering section. I wanted to hear “yeah, that sounds cool Mama. You can do it. I bet it will look great!” I smirk while typing this because if they had actually said that, I probably would have asked “who you and what have you done with my real children.”
My expectation was unrealistic because it was based on finding confidence outside of myself. I was the one with a negative perspective and I needed to shift. To make a shift I had to adapt my way of thinking. Instead of noting all my deficiencies, I acknowledged my strengths. “Look at you researching sinks and wall paper. Get it girl. It’s ok if you make a mistake. You’ll learn and have more knowledge for the next project.” I became my own inner cheerleader. It sounds so cheesy but it’s really quite powerful. To actively cheer and support yourself may feel awkward and uncomfortable. But, what a great way to receive the validation so many of us are looking for from other people. And truthfully, it means so much more coming from within because we know ourselves more than anyone else. We know what takes effort, what feels hard, and what we work through to achieve something.
Adaptive Thinking
If any of this resonates, I encourage you to take note of the times you feel that someone doesn’t see you. See it as a mirror of how you see yourself and then project the image you want to see. Check in with your thoughts and adapt them to what you need to hear. I don’t write this to simplify complex emotions but to help people to adapt their way of thinking to bring themselves more calm and confidence. It’s something I continually work on. Sometimes we don’t even hear or notice how our thinking can infiltrate our mood and our energy. But knowing this gives you insight into how much taking notice of your thinking can give you the power to shift it as well.
So take a look in the mirrors that surround you and when you don’t like what you see check inwards. Listen to your internal dialogue and make a concerted effort to adapt your language with yourself. This adaptive thinking will help create the reflection you want to have looking back at you.
How I can help
If you would like support in adapting your thinking, check out my Coaching page for more information on how I can support you. Fill out the contact form to set up a free consultation. I can assist you in shifting your perspective to feel centered and grounded in who you are.